Soul Mates
by irisis
Summary: Takes place in AU where Tuvok and Neelix were not separated a the end of 'Tuvix'. Kes is distraught and looks to Captain Janeway for comfort. Hints of J/C.


Takes place in AU where Tuvok and Neelix were not separated a the end of 'Tuvix'. Kes is distraught and looks to Captain Janeway for comfort. Hints of J/C.

Written to raise money for the 2010 Haiti earthquake through a LJ auction.

* * *

><p>I have been crying for over two hours. It has been two hours and fifteen minutes since I was informed by Captain Janeway that the procedure was not a success, and so Neelix and Tuvok will not be separated for the foreseeable future.<p>

When the tears first began, I felt as if I were going to die. Huge, racking, painful sobs confined me to a crouching position on the floor of my quarters. I'm now so exhausted only the occasional moan escapes me, but the tears are still flowing freely. I have lost loved ones before, but this time I am mourning the loss of my soul mate. This would actually be easier to deal with if Neelix had died. Instead, I will likely have to face that painful reminder of why he is no longer with me every day for the rest of my life. Tuvix.

When I desperately need guidance I usually turn to Tuvok, who I have come to think of as a father. In fact, I have known him more than twice as long as I knew my actual, biological father. But that is no longer possible. I have also shared my problems with the Doctor in the past, but I do not want to disturb him now. His refusal to perform the procedure still hurts, and I can't help but find myself wondering if it would have been a success had he been the one to perform it. Which leaves one last person.

After splashing my face with cold water and changing my crumpled clothes I leave my quarters in search of Captain Janeway. She has always been able to offer me comfort and advice in my darkest hours or simply a sympathetic ear. The crew I pass in the corridor stop to offer their condolences, and despite the enormity of my grief I am comforted to know I am part of a large and loving family who will try to help me through this, although right now that thought seems almost impossible.

Despite the very late hour, the computer gives Captain Janeway's location as the Mess Hall, where I find her in Commander Chakotay's embrace. The room is empty and the lighting dimmed, as it usually is at this time of day, and they are so absorbed in one another they do not hear the automatic doors slide open. It appears as if she is crying and he is holding her tightly until it passes. I know they would be horrified to be discovered in this way and so I quickly turn away and start back for my quarters.

For a short while I wonder why the Captain is so upset, and then I numbly recall that she has been a close friend of Tuvok for over ten years. That is literally a lifetime to me.

* * *

><p>At 06:00 hours the next morning,, I find myself tending plants in the hydroponics bay. I know no one expects me to work today, but I am desperately craving a distraction and if I am entirely honest with myself I want to avoid Tuvix, despite the fact know he will be very eager to see me and make sure I am alright. The thought turns my insides into ice. He begged for permission to live and instead I convinced the Captain to try and destroy him. This is where the Captain finds me.<p>

"Hello, Kes." That's all she says. She doesn't ask why I am working because she already understands. I stop what I am doing and approach her. Her appearance is immaculate and composed as usual but when she sees my red and puffy face her own dissolves into a sad smile and she holds out her arms to give me a brief hug.

"I'm so sorry, Kes," she says, pulling away and holding me gently at arms length. "But I want you to know I won't give…"

"I know," I interrupt in my soft voice and turn my attention back to the flowers I had just been tending. They are called tulips and are native to Earth, the world Neelix and I decided to help these people return to. Now I will continue that journey alone.

The Captain doesn't say anything but doesn't leave, either. I admire this woman chiefly for being such a fearless explorer, but almost as much because she obviously cares so deeply for her crew. I know she won't leave until she is sure I am coping.

"Did I ever tell you about my father?" I ask her. "He was an extraordinary man. Intelligent, brave, compassionate… he died not long after my first birthday. My mother will spend the last couple of years of her life alone; she almost stopped me from leaving my people, but I had to follow my father's dreams for me. To the surface. I'm glad that I did, as that path led me to Neelix." I turn to face her. "Now Neelix is gone, I will spend the rest of my life alone."

To my surprise and disappointment, she doesn't say anything. I wait for her to offer me her usual sensible, measured advice, but instead she is oddly quiet and looks deep in thought. Finally, she speaks.

"You know where I am if you need anything."

And then she leaves. I feel more alone than at any other time in my life - at least when I was being held by the Kazon I had my faith in Neelix and the knowledge that he would return for me.

* * *

><p>We didn't meet under usual or even good circumstances. I was a prisoner of the Kazon at their camp on the Ocompa surface; he was there on a brief visit to trade. He had somehow come across a sizeable amount of water and, knowing how desperate the Kazon always were for the commodity in-between supply drops from their long range vessels, he intended to do very well out of the arrangement. Or so he told me, the first time we were alone together. The Kazon gave him the use of one of their tents for the evening so he could use me in any way he chose. I was a poor worker, and so I was often used in this way when they had important visitors.<p>

I automatically undressed and sat on the rough bedspread expectantly. Neelix was horrified by my mechanical compliance and quickly covered my bruised and bloody body. He seemed surprised by my naivety and innocence, particularly given my current circumstances. I was surprised by his pure heart and sense of fairness, particularly considering his occupation.

We shared an awkward first conversation, but despite this, I felt I was in the company of someone very special. On the night he left he promised he would soon be back with enough water to buy my freedom. I didn't doubt him.

Against the odds, we had formed an unbreakable bond and I knew I had found my life mate.

* * *

><p>I visit the Captain in her quarters the day after we met in the hydroponics bay. I can hear running bath water from the adjoining room as she ushers me inside, apologising for the mess as she clears away the items on her dining table. Candles burned low next to an empty bottle of wine. Commander Chakotay had left his uniform jacket slung over the arm of her sofa.<p>

"I owe you an apology," she says, waving a hand dismissively as I attempt to disagree with her. She joins me at the table and looks pained for a moment. "Kes, when I was a very young woman, my father and my first fiancée died in a shuttle accident. I was the only survivor."

She pauses and I wonder if she will continue. She does.

"Obviously your current situation has some parallels. It made me remember how lost I felt and how difficult it was for me to recover. The only reason I was able to get over my loss was with the support of friends and family. I hope you know your friends and family will help you to recover too."

I don't know how to respond. The thought of getting over Neelix and moving on is still far too painful to contemplate, despite the fact he was lost in the transport accident more than one month ago. Forty days is a lot longer for me than it is for most humanoids.

"When was the last time you ate, Kes? Or had a shower?" she asks with concern. I confess that I do not remember.

"What you need is a hot meal and a bath."

I think about protesting but quickly change my mind. As I come from a society with very limited resources and then joined a starship with a rationing system, I've only had two baths in my entire life. I don't want to turn down this opportunity.

* * *

><p>That is why I find myself later that evening in the Captain's bathtub surrounded by hot water and soapy bubbles. The Captain is sitting with an open book and cup of coffee in her armchair her living room. The door is open so we can talk. Hearing about how she overcame the loss of Justin and her father somehow helps me feel stronger, but I still cry silently and spend most of the time watching my tears mingle with the bath water as she talks.<p>

When I'm out and dry and wrapped in a borrowed bathrobe on her sofa, I sip tea as she drinks her third coffee of the evening and strokes the material of Chakotay's jacket. I find myself wondering if she even realises she's doing it.

My telepathy is picking up on a lot of residual sexual tension in the room. I can usually shield myself against this sort of thing very effectively, but tonight I am so run down and emotionally drained I'm finding it incredibly difficult to do so. I had noticed a shift in the Captain's relationship with Commander Chakotay in recent months - they appear to trust one another very deeply now and have obviously developed a deep friendship and mutual respect - but I did not realise that such a large degree of sexual chemistry played a part in their relationship until now. I wonder if it is the reason the Captain no longer talks about her fiancée, who is presumably still waiting for her back on Earth. Apparently his pictures no longer adorn her quarters or ready room.

For the first time in weeks I feel relaxed. Without thinking I pull her into a tight hug. She is tense at first but I slowly feel her muscles relax and she doesn't pull away. We are two friends comforting one another. But then my thoughts slowly turn to Neelix and the similar, gentle way he would hold me. Not for the first time I wish I had had a chance to say a proper goodbye. I can't even remember our final words. Or our final kiss, or even the final time we had sex. I feel a slight fluttering in my stomach and find my senses extra alert to the Captain's smell and touch.

I cup her cheek in my hand and kiss her firmly on the lips. She tries to pull away but I hold on to her with all my strength, running my free hand through her hair, then over her breasts. Her nipples are hard and she seems to give in for a second, two at most, but then wrenches away and jumps up from the sofa with an angry snarl. But it's too late, I have already let her thoughts enter my mind (with no conscious will on my part - I never intentionally read anyone's thoughts without permission anymore). She was thinking of a man during our brief kiss, and it wasn't her fiancée.

"I think you should leave," she says in a hard tone. "What you just did was completely unacceptable."

Mortified, I duck into the bathroom and begin to pull my clothes back on. I apologise profusely but she doesn't respond. I begin to cry again, will myself to pull it together, and then make to leave. Perhaps I should explain about becoming intoxicated by the residual energy in the room? When I pass her she looks somewhat calmer and stops me.

"I didn't expect my first kiss in over two years to be with you," she says in a slightly amused tone, before pushing me firmly towards the door.

As soon as I'm back in my quarters I slide under the smooth, cool bed sheets and stroke my soft folds until I find release and wonder how the Captain can continue to keep the man at arms length when her want for him is so unbearably strong.

* * *

><p>I haven't cried for three weeks. It's been eight months since the procedure to separate my soul mate and my spiritual father failed. I feel my loss just as sorely, but I am finding it easier to cope with. I'm beginning to accept I have a future - perhaps even one with romance - without Neelix.<p>

It's like Tom Paris said: "It was far more likely that Neelix would have outlived you as your lifespan is only nine years, Kes. Do you honestly believe Neelix would never have moved on?"

I had to admit that the thought had never occurred to me. Ocompans typically mate for life, and I have not yet been around other humanoids long enough to think of their ways as normal. However, had our roles been reversed, I would very much have wanted Neelix to find love again and to be happy. Despite his intense jealousy, I know deep down he felt the same way.

I can sense Tom Paris is still attracted to me, but he has been keeping a respectful distance, as has Tuvix, to my immense relief. He continues to be a hugely popular member of the crew and so is never short of company.

My relationship with the Captain is slowly being rebuilt. I bring her flowers every week for her ready room as I used to do, and we have shared more than one bowl of coffee ice cream in recent weeks. Very shortly after our kiss, she was stranded on an alien planet for over five months with Commander Chakotay and the time apart did us good.

And if she ever invites me to take a bath in her quarters again, I will ask her why the standard issue Starfleet bath has been replaced with a beautifully handcrafted wooden tub.


End file.
